Something truly awful happened, not to me but in my life, this week. I went about the business of dealing with it on autopilot at first, then thought I might like to talk about it with someone other than poor Andrew and my brother (who have discussed it quite enough).
In a roundabout way, this has made me think about friendships.
Over the years, I have had friends come to me with all manner of woes - broken hearts, broken ankles, troubled relationships, dying parents, failed pregnancies ... You name it, I've listened. And, where appropriate, I've offered tea or wine or a bed or a meal or my thoughts on the matter.
So why is it that when I realised I wanted to talk to someone I couldn't think of a single person I could call? Actually, I could think of a number of people, but every time I thought of someone, my automatic response was 'oh, no, she's busy, she has small children' or 'oh, no, I'm sure he has enough on his plate'.
Do I have bad friends? Nup. It seems I just don't like to share my feelings with people - I'm FINE with everyone telling me their deepest darkest secrets and worries, but me, hey, I'm FINE. Little Ms Competent Don't Worry About Me.
This is stupid, right? I think it is. So I rang one of my best friends and told him. And you know what? The earth did NOT swallow me up because I admitted to feeling angry, hurt, confused, sad and scared.
And today, another friend called me, and I told her too. And she was wonderful.
Odd - or not - how life's crises can teach you something.
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6 comments:
We are so synchronized! I've been thinking about something along these lines as well, recently, feeling as if I have no one I could call beyond immediate family, so different from when my kids were young and we moms nurtured each other while looking after the little guys. And yet, if I'm honest, I know there are many people in my life who would be compassionate and supportive, if I were willing to open up and reach out. I'm glad your difficulties (and I hope they're proving manageable) have at least brought you awareness of the supportive friends in your life.
I wonder why we are like this? Is it because as women we are always the ones who cope in a crisis? I know I've always been much more comfortable listening to other people's problems than talking about my own. But I hope I will learn this lesson properly - I'm sure my life will be better for it if I do!
I know that I somehow feel that neediness it unattractive -- and it certainly can be if it's chronic and one-sided. But I think a willingness to be vulnerable is a strength I could probably cultivate a bit. Sounds like you're working on that!
I know what you mean about chronic neediness - I had a friend whose constant refrain was 'I can't BEAR it'. She was always lurching from one drama to the next, and dragging everyone with her ... I think, like most things, there has to be a happy medium - being able to ask for support when you really need it, but not being a human leech.
Such wise words, Tiffany. I'm with you, having so many similar thoughts and feelings. Admitting needs and vulnerabilities is so hard.
I'm glad you opened up to your friends. You're not alone, either. Sending you support and encouragement with what's going on in your life...xo
I'm with you - I tend to be the person everyone comes and dumps on, but rarely do the same to my friends.
So why? Somehow saving 'face'? That it's an admission that I can't do everything and cope with everything myself?
So I don't have to answer questions at a later date about the issues?
Not sure.
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