In the last few months, three couples we know have separated. One sounds like a classic (cliched) male mid-life crisis; another is the sad result of increasing disharmony and emotional distance; another is an equally sad combination of bipolar disorder and the mid-life thing. I was a bridesmaid at one of the weddings; Spouse was MC at another.
These were couples who were already together, in one case already married, by the time Spouse and I got together almost 16 years ago. They all have children.
It's sad and strange. We get accustomed to identifying people together, as a couple, as a family. Who do you stay in touch with? Do you still send Christmas cards? Will it ever be ok to invite them both to the same function?
I also wonder - what was the tipping point? I don't believe anyone who says that they're always happy in their relationship; I'm sure everyone has moments of dissatisfaction, boredom or even intense unhappiness. But once you've been together a while, when things are rocky, it's easier to think - this too shall pass. Is it that you no longer believe the bad times will pass? Is it that the bad times happen too often and last for too long? Is it when the pros of staying no longer outweigh the cons of going?
My parents divorced when I was aged somewhere between Kid 1 and Kid 2's current ages (10 and almost 14). I can't even remember exactly when it was. As a precocious (and obnoxious) teenager I was quite flippant about it. Divorce was almost fashionable, and I thought it was a good thing. I couldn't remember my parents happy together.
It is probably salient that I am reading Siri Hustvedt's The Summer Without Men.
Someone needs to get engaged or married to cheer me up. No, witless Royals don't count.
How I amuse myself when I should be working
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Real people: May at the market15 hours ago
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Echo, echo, echo...9 years ago
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Under the greenwood tree9 years ago
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4 comments:
I remember a few years ago when we went through a similar phase with friends breaking up marriages of longstanding -- and there were a fair number of the clichés there, doctor husbands having affairs with their secretaries, etc. That phase seems to have been passed now, at least for our friends of our generation.
Now we're watching the younger ones figure out how to make it work -- learning, as you say, that the rocky stages do pass, trying to figure out what to let pass, what to fight over, where to draw the lines in the sand.
Right now, we're getting ready for the end-of-the-month wedding of my daughter and her guy -- they've done some pretty solid testing over the last three years, and I think and hope they'll have some long happy years together. Perhaps that will stoke your optimism as well . . .
That's so exciting about your daughter - I think that having the example of a very stable marriage between one's own parents must be a great help, and I'm sure they will last the distance. Can't wait to see photos of the happy day on your blog.
And, yes, I guess there's a spate in every social circle. Even if it's not done in the cliched fashion, perhaps it's a lot to do with reaching that point in life where you think 'is this it?' ...
I'll make you a deal. You find me a smart, funny, dishy guy to marry, and I'll take him. Extra points if he wears horn-rimmed glasses.
Rubi, my husband just about fits your criteria - he's definitely smart, reasonably dishy and occasionally funny. And he does wear the horn rims ... There are times I'd swap him for a pair of shoes, quite frankly :)
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