Recently I was ruminating about how hard it can be to reach out to friends when we need to, and why this is. I've realised that there is another reason that we (or I) might be reluctant to do so - sometimes they just AREN'T there for you.
Many years ago, when my father died (suddenly, and young), my best friend avoided me for three months. She told me later that she 'didn't know what to say'. I told her that she could have called me and said that to me.
This time around, I told one friend - not a close friend, and someone well-known for 'flitting' between friends - that there was a crisis. I wasn't 'reaching out', I was letting her know why I couldn't be somewhere. Her response was to send me a text that said 'Going away, call you next week'. She didn't call me. I have seen her half a dozen times since and she has avoided both conversation and eye contact.
What's interesting to me is that once this would have crushed me. Now, I just think 'Oh well, she can't deal with it. Never mind.' But when you're younger, that kind of response might be enough to put you off confiding in people ...
Gifts of the Season
3 days ago
2 comments:
I think this is a very fair assessment -- it's not always just that we don't reach out; it's that others are either less nurturing or less able to deal. I'm becoming more and more aware of this and also less and less tolerant of such behaviour. I've been tending to withdraw somewhat from less reciprocal friendships, altho' I define reciprocity in pretty loose, long-term conditions.
I think this may be one of the benefits of getting older/more mature - you are less likely to hang onto those 'one way' friendships and more likely to invest in the ones that are more reciprocal. Of course, as you say, you do need fairly loose conditions, since all of us are less than perfect friends at some point! I must say that while I won't rebuff the person I mentioned in my post - if she stops avoiding me! - I certainly won't go out of my way to spend time with her ...
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